What Does Gaslighting Look Like in a Romantic Relationship?
Updated: Oct 24
When we think of meeting a new romantic partner, we might hope for a spark—or even fireworks. Some relationships are more of a slow burn. We use fire metaphors to talk about romance all the time, but not all are so positive. Gaslighting, for example, is a serious problem. It's a sign of an unhealthy relationship and can be incredibly damaging.
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Recognizing gaslighting for what it is can be tricky, especially if you're the one being gaslighted. Let's take a look at some of the most common characteristics of the behavior.
Shifting Blame
Gaslighters tend to play the blame game. Even when they are clearly at fault for something, they'll find a way to shift the blame onto the person they're gaslighting. When the topic of conversation is about how the gaslighter is treating their partner, for example, they will find a way to shift any blame onto their partner.
This shifting of blame can make the one being gaslighted question whether they're the one who is at fault for the way the abuser is treating them. It can cause psychological damage, confusion, and feelings of guilt.
Denying
In addition to accusing someone else when confronted, gaslighters are expert deniers. They often have no problem denying that they did anything wrong in the first place and will continue to make poor choices without taking responsibility for them.
When a partner refuses to own up to their mistakes, it can cause the other partner in the relationship to feel invalidated. Denying any wrongdoing in a relationship is a form of abuse and bullying that can be extremely difficult to heal from, even after the relationship has ended.
Lying
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. Frequent gaslighting makes it impossible for these qualities to grow. People who gaslight their partners often need to lie to do so, and some may even be habitual or pathological liars. A partner who refuses to change their story even when confronted with proof of the contrary could be gaslighting. If they repeatedly deny the truth or shift blame by calling their accuser crazy, it's even more likely.
Manipulating
Instead of using affection to express how much love, appreciation, and respect is in the relationship, a gaslighter will use affectionate language as a weapon instead. When a gaslighter is confronted, they may try to dismiss the situation by telling their partner that they love them or would never treat them in a way that would hurt them.
This type of manipulation can be particularly effective because it plays on very real emotions. It can be difficult to maintain a clear perspective when hearing something you deeply want to hear.
Trivializing
Trivialization is another favorite in the gaslighter's tool kit. A gaslighter will try to minimize feelings and thoughts as a way to gain more control over their victim. The gaslighter may tell them that they're too sensitive, that they're overreacting, or that they need to calm down.
This tactic can eventually lead to the other person in the relationship not feeling comfortable expressing their true thoughts and feelings. They might start to doubt whether their feelings are valid and instead just accept whatever is happening in the relationship.
How Gaslighting Can Affect You
Gaslighting often builds slowly. Over time, being told that your memories, feelings or perceptions are wrong can wear down your confidence. Many people describe feeling anxious, confused or unsure of themselves, and they may start to rely on the other person to tell them what is real. These effects are not a sign of weakness. They are a natural response to being repeatedly doubted.
Is It Gaslighting or a Disagreement?
Every couple remembers things differently from time to time. The difference is in the pattern. Disagreements are usually brief, and both people can acknowledge each other's point of view. Gaslighting tends to be repeated, one-sided and aimed at making you doubt yourself. If you are unsure which one you are experiencing, a therapist can help you sort it out.
Signs You May Be Experiencing Gaslighting
You often apologize even when you are not sure what you did wrong.
You second-guess your memory of conversations and events.
You feel like you are walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
Friends or family have expressed concern about how you are treated.
You make excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel less like yourself than you used to.
Ways to Steady Yourself
Keep a private record, such as notes in a journal or on your phone, of events as you remember them.
Check in with someone you trust, like a friend, family member or therapist, to get an outside view.
Notice how your body feels. Tension, a knot in the stomach or dread can be useful signals.
Reconnect with people and activities that remind you of who you are.
Take your time. You do not have to make a big decision right away.
Supporting a Friend or Loved One
If someone you care about is experiencing gaslighting, listen without judgment and avoid telling them what to do. Believe what they share, remind them that it is not their fault, and let them know you are there. Pressuring someone to leave or confronting their partner can backfire, so offer steady support and information about resources, and let them decide what feels safe. Staying connected matters, because isolation is one of the ways control takes hold. Even small check-ins, like a text or a walk together, can mean a lot.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a space where your experience is taken seriously. A therapist can help you sort through what has happened, rebuild trust in your own perceptions, and think through your options at your own pace. If these experiences have left you feeling shaken, our trauma therapy page explains how we work with the effects of difficult relationships. You can also contact us to ask about a consultation.
If You Need Support Right Now
If you feel unsafe in your relationship, you are not alone. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788) for confidential support at any time. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.
Support is Available
No one deserves to be the victim of gaslighting. If you or a loved one is struggling with gaslighting in a relationship, it's important to seek additional support. A mental health professional will be able to help you rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. They'll also be able to teach you what a healthy relationship looks like so you can choose the best path forward. Reach out today to learn why relationship therapy could be a great option for you.
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