How to Identify Narcissistic Abuse in a Relationship
Updated: Oct 24
Narcissism is a trait associated with people who are overly preoccupied with themselves, their own wants and needs, and their own self-worth. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self, a lack of empathy for others, and a need for admiration.
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A relationship involves people coming together to form a unified bond. But with a narcissist involved, this isn't typically the case. Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse where a person with narcissism tries to control, exploit, or manipulate another person through things like devaluation, gaslighting, and love bombing.
These are major red flags in a relationship, but they're not always easy for a partner within the relationship to spot. Here's how to identify narcissistic abuse in a relationship.
You Constantly Feel like You're Walking on Eggshells
With narcissists, you never really know the type of person you're going to get when you interact with them. This is why narcissistic abuse can be difficult to step away from. Narcissists can be extremely challenging to deal with, but they can also be exceptionally charming.
The person that you fell in love with will appear intermittently, and those appearances will give you hope things will get better in the future. It's important to recognize moments when your partner is on edge and making you fearful. You should never feel unsafe in your relationship.
You're Questioning Your Own Sanity
Narcissists can cause you to question your own sanity. They may start to manipulate and gaslight you into believing certain things that never even occurred. Below are some common phrases that gaslighters and narcissists use to gain more control over their partners:
I never said that.
I was just joking.
You're overreacting.
Why are you so sensitive?
You're acting crazy.
That didn't happen.
These phrases can cause you to take responsibility and apologize for things that are out of your control. You may constantly find yourself second-guessing everything. Over time, you'll start to question whether you're just sensitive, whether you can trust your own memories, or whether you're really going crazy.
The Relationship Is Moving Quickly
A relationship with a narcissist tends to move extremely quickly. Narcissists can be charming, so the relationship may start off with them checking in often, buying gifts, or taking you on trips. These types of interactions can make you feel like your relationship is moving in the right direction and can even be exciting and fun.
However, these types of interactions can also cause you to make quick and impulsive decisions such as moving in together, getting engaged, or getting a joint bank account. This can all be part of a narcissist's plan to get closer to you to have more control over you and your life.
There Is a Lack of Boundaries
A lack of boundaries is common in relationships with narcissists. If you used to control your own finances or hang out with family and friends before the relationship, you may find these things change when you're with a narcissistic partner.
A narcissist will want to oversee everything you're doing. They will start to get in the way of the other relationships in your life and may even get in the way of your hobbies and career. If you find yourself overly relying on your partner for finances, goals, and being social, this could be an indicator that there's a much larger issue.
More Signs to Notice
Your accomplishments are minimized, or you are criticized more than you are encouraged.
You apologize frequently, even when you are unsure what you did wrong.
Affection seems to come and go depending on whether you do what the other person wants.
You feel isolated from friends or family.
Your feelings are dismissed or turned into proof that you are the problem.
You feel drained, anxious or like you are losing yourself.
How This Kind of Relationship Can Affect You
Living with ongoing criticism, control or unpredictability can affect your confidence, sleep and sense of safety. Some people feel on edge much of the time, while others feel numb or foggy. Many struggle with self-doubt long after the relationship changes or ends. These reactions are common responses to prolonged stress and are not a personal failing.
Steps That Can Help
Reach out to someone you trust and tell them what you have been experiencing.
Keep your important documents, contacts and finances accessible to you.
Rebuild connections with friends, family and activities you have drifted away from.
Notice your own needs and preferences, even in small decisions.
Move at a pace that feels safe. Big decisions do not have to happen all at once.
Healing After the Relationship
Leaving or changing a harmful relationship does not always bring instant relief. Many people feel grief, relief, anger and confusion all at once, sometimes within the same day. You may miss moments that felt good, and that does not mean you were wrong to want out. Healing often involves rebuilding trust in your own judgment, reconnecting with supportive people, and learning to recognize your own needs again. Be patient with yourself. Recovery moves in its own time, and support from a therapist can make the path feel less lonely. Self-compassion, rest and small routines can help you feel steadier along the way, and support groups or trusted friends can remind you that your experience is real.
How Therapy Can Help
A therapist can help you name what has been happening, rebuild trust in your own perceptions, and practice setting boundaries. If these experiences have left lasting effects, our trauma therapy and EMDR therapy pages explain approaches that some people find useful. You can also contact us to ask about a first appointment.
If You Are Not Safe
If you are afraid of your partner or feel unsafe, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788) at any time. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.
Breaking the Cycle
If some of these patterns are hitting a little too close to home, you may be the victim of narcissist abuse. This type of abuse happens slowly over time, so it can be difficult to spot and act on in the moment. Without proper support, these patterns will continue, and it can become even more difficult to break the cycle.
You should feel safe, secure, and happy in your relationships. Reach out today to learn more about how relationship therapy can help you break free and move forward.
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