What Are the Signs of Codependency?
Updated: 6 days ago
Connection is a human essential and necessity. It is just as important for a person as food, water, and shelter. People crave forming and maintaining relationships with others.
But as with all things in life, there can be both healthy and unhealthy versions of connection. Having support and someone to talk to can be a great thing for one's overall mental health and wellness, but too much of something can also be a bad thing. It's all about finding that balance.
Unfortunately, one of those relationship imbalances is known as codependency or relationship addiction. This type of dynamic occurs when one partner in the relationship falls into the role of a giver while the other partner acts as the taker.
What are the signs of codependency? Let's find out!
Low Self-Esteem
Individuals who are involved in codependent relationships often have low self-esteem and self-worth. This can cause individuals in this type of relationship dynamic to have a hard time making decisions out of fear of making the wrong one. They will often feel like they can't do anything right. People who have low self-esteem and self-worth can even feel guilty after doing something for themselves like booking an appointment for self-care or spending money on themselves.
Taking Responsibility for Others
People in codependent relationships not only feel responsible for themselves, but they feel responsible for their partner as well. They may even start to develop feelings of anxiety when something is going wrong in their partner's life. Partners who feel responsible for their partner's problems tend to put their partner's feelings above their own. This can cause them to dismiss their own responsibilities to care for their partner.
Little to No Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in all types of relationships. No matter if the relationship is with a romantic partner, family member, coworker, or friend. They're what help to protect one's overall mental health and well-being. Boundaries tend to be nonexistent in codependent relationships. This lack of boundaries means that they will do anything for their partner despite how they may actually be feeling.
Dependence
Dependence is a big part of codependency. Individuals who are codependent tend to have an unhealthy reliance on their partner. While it's okay to lean on your partner from time to time, codependent individuals will put their happiness in the hands of their partner. They won't feel fulfilled unless their partner is happy. This means that they will do anything and everything they can to meet the wants and needs of their partner so that they can feel content as well.
Lack of Trust
Trust is a foundational piece of any relationship. Individuals who fall into unhealthy or codependent relationships tend to have a lack of trust in themselves and others. They have a hard time trusting in their own thoughts, feelings, and decision-making abilities.
Codependency in Everyday Life
Codependency does not only show up in romantic relationships. It can appear between parents and adult children, close friends, siblings and coworkers. In each case, one person's sense of worth or stability becomes tied to taking care of someone else, often at the cost of their own needs. Many people with these patterns learned early on that being helpful or easygoing was the way to stay connected.
More Signs to Watch For
Difficulty saying no, even when you are exhausted.
Feeling anxious or guilty when you put your own needs first.
Needing constant reassurance that the relationship is okay.
Fear of being alone or abandoned.
Feeling responsible for fixing other people's problems or moods.
Losing track of your own interests, friendships or goals.
Questions to Ask Yourself
These questions are not a diagnosis. They are a way to start noticing patterns:
Do I feel responsible for how other people feel?
Do I say yes when I want to say no?
Do I feel lost or empty when I am not needed?
Do I put my own plans on hold to meet someone else's needs?
Can I name what I want, apart from what others want from me?
If several of these ring true, you are not broken, and you are not alone. Many people recognize themselves here. Keep in mind that codependency is a pattern, not a formal diagnosis, and it exists on a spectrum. These habits can change with support and practice.
Codependency vs. Healthy Support
Caring for someone you love is not codependent. Healthy support goes both ways, respects each person's independence, and leaves room for each of you to have your own needs, interests and friendships. The difference often comes down to whether helping feels freely chosen or feels like something you must do to feel okay. If you are not sure where you fall, therapy can help you take a closer look without judgment.
Where Codependent Patterns Come From
These patterns often begin in childhood, in homes where emotions were unpredictable, a caregiver was unwell, or love felt conditional. A child may learn to anticipate other people's needs as a way to stay safe. That strategy makes sense early in life, but it can become tiring in adult relationships. Understanding where it started can make it easier to be kind to yourself as you work on change.
How Therapy Can Help
In therapy you can explore your relationship patterns, practice setting boundaries, and build a stronger sense of who you are outside of your relationships. When past experiences are part of the picture, approaches such as EMDR therapy or trauma therapy may be worth discussing with your therapist. You can reach out here to ask about a consultation. If you are ever thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.
How to Break the Cycle
The cycle of codependency can be a difficult one to break. The good news is that while codependency typically requires two individuals to form this unhealthy relationship dynamic, it only requires one person to break that cycle. This person can be you.
Before you're able to change your codependent behaviors, it's important to first acknowledge and then address the root of the codependency. Here are just a few of the lifestyle changes you can make to start the process of breaking the cycle of codependency:
Educate yourself on codependency
Improve your self-esteem
Set boundaries
Give yourself alone time
Live in the present moment
Most of the time, codependency is linked to a past traumatic event. Trauma therapy and working with a licensed and trained mental health professional can help you address that past trauma, better manage the signs and symptoms, and learn how to move forward in healthier relationships.
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