Supporting a Loved One Living With Depression

When someone you love is living with depression, it can be hard to know what to do.

You may notice your loved one seeming more withdrawn, more tired, and less like themselves. Maybe they are cancelling plans more frequently, or are struggling to respond to your texts. They may be sleeping more or feeling overwhelmed by tasks that once felt more manageable to them. And because you care, you may find yourself asking How do I help? Should I say something? Am I doing enough?

It is natural to want to show up perfectly for our loved ones during times where they may need extra care and support. Though there are no perfect ways to support someone through depression, there are ways to show up that meet your loved one with a certain steady compassion that may be helpful.

Start by letting go of the idea that you need to fix it

For many, one of the most difficult parts of navigating their loved ones' depression is the feeling that they “should” be able to make it better.

When someone you care about is hurting, it is only natural to want to do anything to take it away by cheering them up, solving the problem, or saying the exact right thing. But depression is not something that is usually shifted by pressure, logic, or reassurance alone. In fact, trying too hard to pull someone out of it can sometimes leave both people feeling more stuck and discouraged.

Support often looks less like fixing and more like staying present.

That might mean saying:

• “I care about you.”

• “I know things may feel heavy right now, but I’m here with you.”

• “You do not have to act okay with me.”

• “I may not fully understand what this feels like, but I care and I want to support you however I can.”

• “You do not have to be feeling your best for me to love you”

  
  

Meeting your loved one where they are can go much further than trying to force an optimistic reframe, that may ultimately result in making your loved one feel further “out of place.”

Try to listen without reframing

When someone opens up about depression, there can be a strong urge to bring levity to the situation.

There may be an urge to remind them what is going well in their life, point out reasons to be hopeful, or encourage them to look on the bright side. While well-intentioned, this can sometimes feel minimizing to the person who is struggling.

Shame is often intertwined with depression. So, when somebody tries to reframe the painful experience that a person with depression is experiencing, it can often lead to increased feelings of isolation to someone who may already be worrying about being “burdensome,” “lazy,” “dramatic,” or “difficult,” for struggling.

Instead, trying validating responses that communicate presence and understanding:

• “That sounds really heavy to carry.”

• “I’m really glad you told me what has been going on.”

• “You’ve been carrying a lot.”

• “It makes sense that you’re feeling worn down by this.”

• “That sounds exhausting”

You do not have to have the perfect words, but feeling seen and accompanied matters.

Remember that depression can affect communication

Depression does not only affect mood. It can affect energy, concentration, communication, motivation, memory, appetite, sleep, and the ability to enjoy things.

That means your loved one may not always show care or connection in the ways they usually would. They may seem distant, may not text back right away, or cancel plans. They may look fine one day and deeply struggle the next.

This does not mean your support does not matter. It also does not always mean they are rejecting you.

Trying to understand depression as something that impacts functioning, not just feelings, can help create more room for compassion.

Offer specific support when you can

When experiencing depression, small tasks can start to feel overwhelming. General offers like “Let me know if you need anything” are kind, but they can be hard to act on when someone has less energy. Specific, concrete support is often easier to receive.

Depending on your relationship, that might look like:

• offering to bring over dinner

• inviting them on a short walk

• sitting with them while they make a phone call

• helping them look for a therapist

• checking in with a simple text

• offering company without pressure to talk

  
  

The goal is to make support feel more accessible.

Its okay if your loved one responds differently to your support than you had expected

When you care about someone deeply, it can be painful when your support is met with distance or silence. You may miss feeling more connected within your relationship, and that is entirely natural to experience.

As mentioned earlier in this blog, depression can affect how someone communicates, connects, and is able to respond to care. That does not mean that your support is not meaningful to the person experiencing it. Sometimes, it simply means that the person is having a hard time showing or receiving what they might feel more fully at another time.

Support doesn’t have to look like a big or visible “aha!” moment, oftentimes, gentle consistency and warmth can go a long way.

Encourage support, but do not force it

If your loved one is open to it, therapy can be an important source of support. In some cases, additional care like medication or other mental health services may also be helpful.

You might say something like:

• “You do not have to handle this alone.”

• “I’d support you in finding someone to talk to.”

• “If you want, I can help you look into therapy.”

  
  

Encouragement can be helpful and pressure usually is not. If the person is not ready, you can support their autonomy by respecting their choice, and by understanding that the conversation is about creating access and support to potentially beneficial tools for your loved one.

Establish sustainable practices

It may seem like a no-brainer to want to support your loved one that is experiencing depression, regardless of what arises emotionally. It is easy to fall into the headspace of being entirely responsible for a loved one’s wellbeing, and because of that, begin to ignore your own wants and needs. Overtime, that can create burnout, resentment, or guilt.

Caring about someone does not mean carrying everything for them. It is okay to have boundaries. It is okay to rest. It is okay to acknowledge that loving someone who is struggling can affect you too - it is not a reflection of your love and care for the other person.

Support is more sustainable when it includes honesty about your own capacity.

Know when more urgent help is needed

Sometimes depression becomes more serious and requires immediate attention, especially if someone is talking about hopelessness, feeling like a burden, self-harm, giving things away or not wanting to be here.

If you are concerned that someone may be at risk of harming themselves, take that seriously. Stay with them if possible, contact emergency services if there is immediate danger, or help them connect to crisis support right away. In the U.S. and Canada, calling or texting 988 connects you with the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Here is a more in depth fact sheet that explains the warning signs of suicide

Here is a fact sheet that covers 5 Action Steps to Help Someone Having Thoughts of Suicide

Support can be steady, not perfect

If someone you love is living with depression, you do not need to have all the answers, say everything perfectly. Often, what matters most is being a safe, steady presence. Someone who listens and is gentle, who does not require them to hide what they are going through.

Depression can be deeply isolating, compassionate support can remind someone that they do not have to carry it alone.

At Grace Therapy & Wellness, we support individuals living with depression as well as the people who care about them. Therapy can offer a place to better understand what you or your loved one may be going through, and to find support that feels more sustainable.

When you feel ready, we invite you to reach out.